


Confessions of a Lost Author

by conspiracycoven



Category: Original Work
Genre: Author Commentary, Confusion, Family Issues, Gender Identity, Heavy Angst, Identity Issues, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, Meta, Self-Esteem Issues, Social Commentary, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-05-01 22:27:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19186600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/conspiracycoven/pseuds/conspiracycoven
Summary: This whole thing is just one big meta, vent post. Don't read it if anything in the tags could trigger you, please. My head is a mess and I don't want to hurt anyone with this.I can't project this onto any characters so it's just all my ramblings and odd rants in one big story. Mostly contains my own shitty view of things, and some chapters will just be posts from a long time ago that I never could find it in myself to delete.





	Confessions of a Lost Author

**Author's Note:**

> I think I just need to get this all out there, to just, have it somewhere so that I know that nothing I believe is meaningless, that someone at least has seen it and can at least somewhat see what it's like in my head sometimes. Again, please don't read if any of the tags could trigger you even in the slightest. Also don't read if you're just going to report me, because losing this site due to reporting is the very last thing I need right now. Please, just let me live okay?

Sometimes I'm quite shocked by the things I see others do, humanity is a imperfect mixture of liars and gullibles - it's hard to tell which one is the majority, but they're both definitely there. I don't believe there's anything but one or the other. You either lie or are lied to, and that's all there is to it. You see it every day; A wife lying to her husband, a student lying to their teacher, a friend lying to their lover. I hate it, but that's just the way things seem to be. Even if you don't believe the lie, you're still the one being lied to. True honesty isn't seen much nowadays, if ever. 

This is probably a pessimistic way of looking at things - I probably still don't care.

It's almost sad that I'm no longer surprised by things like this. I see news stations proclaiming that people are being murdered on basis of sexual orientation, gender, skin color - all sorts of things that shouldn't matter much. But they do, they matter to some people who choose to take another person's life over something so trivial, something so utterly meaningless to their life. It shouldn't matter to them, but it does, and people are losing their lives over it. I wonder if any of this matters in the long run, if I matter. Probably not, I'm just one more kid to be thrown to the wolves after I obtain my degree. Just one more face in a sea of driven individuals, individuals with passions and motivation and hope. I'm not much like them, I don't have aspirations or dreams. I have things I'd like to do, but nothing that would leave me regretting life in an elderly home, lamenting all the chances I lost. Not that I think I'd live long enough to be old anyway, I can't see myself lasting past age 30. I can imagine living and existing but after my "youth" I simply can't see it. I can't see myself with wrinkles or talking to grandchildren, I can't see myself living to 40 at all. I assume that there's probably some horribly contrived reason for all this, something that a therapist would no doubt love to get their hands on - dissecting my psyche and telling me my deeply rooted daddy issues and attachment difficulties are to blame. Maybe they are, maybe I'm overthinking again. That tends to be a pattern with me. But I digress - rambling seems to be all I can successfully follow through on these days, and isn't that just pathetic.

I'm probably too apathetic in some ways, but even though I tell myself this I know that it's a lie. I seem to lie to myself a lot, maybe it's because the truth is uncomfortable for me to face no matter how self-aware I may believe myself to be. The truth is that I care a lot, far more than I should at times. I'm surrounded by death and hatred, and it takes it toll on me like anyone else. I like to think I'm a sociopath - but I know that I'm not. Sure I could watch someone get tortured in front of me and barely blink an eye, but it's more that I'm desensitized to violence than anything "lofty" like sociopathy. And what a fucked up way of thinking, that sociopathy is something to desire? An easy label to fix all my problems. I should know better than to think in a disgusting way like this - borderline romanticizing a word that I know almost nothing about. I should know better than this, of all people, I know exactly how misused words can sometimes dig deeper than any blade.

On another note, I think a lot about dying, probably too much to be healthy in any sense of the word. I've heard that it's called suicidal ideation, but just because there's a fancy word attached to it doesn't mean it matters to me. Labels aren't everything. Then again, I suppose I'm hypocritical for saying that labels mean nothing, I tend to care a lot about labels. Fat lot of good it's ever done for me, considering where I am now. I've always been overly concerned with the little things; Am I gay or bisexual? Am I genderfluid or cisgender with an Electra complex? It's hard for me to think otherwise, I deal in absolutes and can't accept just existing without the complexity. I guess I get that from the way I was raised, I've always been curious, and I can't just accept things as they are unless I know the reasons behind it. I always need to rationalize or I'll just drive myself crazy. It's lost me a lot in life, but I still never learn. I know I began this entry somewhere, but I don't remember where and I don't care to go back and find out. It's easier to just move on and hope you find your point somewhere along the way, better than waiting around in despair anyway.


End file.
